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Jan. 18th, 2012

All the stoner food in the house is gone and the roads are too icy to risk going to the store.
Life is hard.

Jan. 4th, 2012

A couple nights ago...

Me: Why would you watch and just let me do that wrong??
Coworker: *shrug* I was off the clock.
Me: You know who else was off the clock?
Coworker: *blank stare*
Me: AMERICA. When we stopped Hitler.

I felt that needed to be recorded somewhere.

((And for the record, I am aware that my statement was neither called for nor historically correct)).

Dec. 22nd, 2011

Sometimes people get hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

Stoned as a hooker in biblical times.

On a scale of Ryan Seacrest to Willie Nelson... I'm somewhere past Harrison Ford.

1 is the number of bitches I wanted to punch out at school today for saying they had "absolutely no desire to ever watch Star Wars ever". ...this was after another girl asked me who Han Solo is... whatthefuck.
Your thinking creates your behavior.
Your behavior determines your habits.
Your habits create your reputation/character.
And your character determines your destiny.

Something Gene Juarez said at the graduation ceremony last night that stuck with me.
Day 6 of no meds ((I re-counted)).
Nothing too crazy yet...
Day 3 without meds.

Off and on floating feeling continues.
It's getting hard to concentrate. Particularly when I'm alone.
I'm having a harder time gaging time.
Sometimes I lose track of it altogether.

Like when youre driving home from somewhere really tired and snap out of spacing out as you pull into your house and realize that you have no recolection of most of the drive. ...only I get this sensation when I'm not at all tired. And I don't exactly feel like I've been spacing out either. Just "holy shit that was a fast 20 minutes".

When I'm not doing something stimulating I'm easily irritable.
I do well in social situations. Working, school, etc.
But sitting at home, the stupidest little thing can instantly piss me the fuck off.
My tolerance for anything I don't feel like hearing, thinking about, or dealing with sends me into a momentary fury.
Quick yell of frustration then I move on.
Apparently I'm a toddler.

I haven't drank or smoked weed the last 2 days. Haven't even really wanted to. Wierd.
Have considered buying a pack of cigarettes (quit a couple weeks ago), but haven't gone through with it.
I have a disposable E-cigarette that Camilla from school gave to me. Tastes like strawberry hookah.
I've been using that a lot while driving. More than anything, I think I just like staying preoccupied.
Also, driving is officially fun. Don't know why, I just really enjoy it lately. I'm wondering if my driving anxiety has subsided a little the past few days.

In some ways I feel so much more laid back, in other ways, incredibly uptight.
Perhaps my mood is just generally volitile. I can't quite place it.

I have a retarded amount of energy.
Spaz. All the time. Talk a million miles an hour. Go go go go.
But if I sit still or stop moving, it's like everrryyyythiiiiing stops moving. My whole thought process slows down and I turn into an absolute moron. I called Jenie around 1 today to tell her something. By the time she picked up I forgot.
I'm still not sure what it was I meant to tell her.

I drug her graduation dress shopping with me today.
It was near impossible to get myself into a dress shopping mindset.
I mean it's not somethiNG I generally enjoy to begin with but ajsdhkashf there's sooooo much UGLY ass shit floating around stores lately. And normally I'll have SOME kind of vision of a dress I'd like to be in for a special occaision. With this one i'm at a loss. Absolutely no vision. We only had a couple hours to look around before I had to go to work so we decided to pick the search back up on friday when we'll have more time.

Part of me wants to start taking them again.
The other part of me thinks "well, I made it this far. If I start them again now, what was the point in stopping at all?"
Still not exactly sure what I'm waiting for...

At this point I almost feel like I'm competeing with myself.
How long can i stay off them before I snap.
I guess it's sort of a dangerous game, but what can I say? I feel "compelled".
That's about all I have to say for myself.

There's at least on person at work, and then Jenie (from school) who knows I'm not on them so I feel like I've taken SOME kind of precautions. i mean as much of a precaution you can take when doing something this flat out stupid.

i think if someone could explain to me WHY I'm doing this, I might break down and go back to taking them like a functional person.
I think it's like I said before.

If I taken them and freak out, its scary.
If I'm not taking them and freak out, it's expected- therefore- not scary.

I think deep down, I'm really really not okay.
But I'm afraid that if I'm taking my meds I'll be forced to recognize that and deal with it.
If i'm not on my meds it's dangerous to let my mood get the best of me, it's absolutely crucial for me to keep control of it all.
That and I'm too whacked out/distracted to really think about anything outside of what's happening to me at that exact moment.
And again, the fact that as long as I'm NOT taking my meds, if I DO flip out its only because I'm off my meds, not because there's something really wrong that I need to attempt to dig into and sort out. Resolve.

This is reeeeeeeeeeeealllllly motherfucking twisted isn't it?

Well don't tell me to go see my doctor, Nancy. That quack of "psychiatrist" I've been going to since I moved here isn't even a liscened Dr. She's just a nurse motherfucking practitioner. Sure, she's certified to write out perscriptions, but she doesn't actually have a degree in psychiatry. Oh yeah and because she had me coming in to see her every other motherfucking minute I ran over the number of sessions my insurance will cover and it would cost me over $100 for me to go see her anyways. And even if it were free I wouldn't want to go back in and see her. She's one of those jackasses who isn't really interested in me as an individual at all. She just wants to listen to the first 2 and a half sentences out of my mouth. Complete the third sentence in her head and then throw a new perscription or higher dosage at me. fuck you. She's been doing the same shit since i moved here. I'm fucking over it. The only shrink I ever really trusted was Dr. Gordon anyways. The 1 in a million shrink who actually gave a fuck about his patients. Saw them as more than brainless little ants running around in circles. I always hated nancy. What kind of a self respecting doctor goes by her first name anyways??

But this is all besides the point.
I've felt that way about nancy for months.
Me feeling this way about my meds is a whole new deal.
And THAT is what I'm trying to figure out.
I didn't take my meds today.

I had a weird floating sensation for some of this evening but that's about it.

I'm wondering if the extreme symptoms that have occured when I've missed them in the past, were either coincidental and/or psychosematic.

When I'm ON my meds, mood swings, anxiety, and panic attacks disturb me.
There shouldn't be reason for them.

If I don't take my meds and feel off... well there's a reason for it...
Which is calming in its own twisted way.

Plus either way this goes, refusing to take them is giving me a nice little ego boost.
It's almost empowering to have to consiously control my mood.

(Then there's the rush of not really knowing what's going to happen.)

I realize that I'm trying to rationalize totally irrational behavior... but... eh?

If it goes horribly wrong... well, I'll know better next time.
If removeable showerheads had the ability to take out the garbage and kill spiders...
Men would be useless.

Sep. 24th, 2011

I'm wayyy too old to be sneaking out but saying "I'm wasting gas driving to a dive bar out in covington to blow $10 on vodka tonics in the company of scumbags and drive home upon finishing them." isn't exactly going to work well.

I can still hear her moving around upstairs, so I know she's not asleep yet and there's no way in hell I'd be able to open the front door without her hearing and asking where I'm going.

I hate everything.


It's Saturday night. And I look way too cute to not go anywhere.

May. 3rd, 2011

This is gonna be me tomorrow!!!

Intergalactic STAR WARS day, baby- May the 4th be with you.

And it's Jalen's 7th birthday :)
((Further proof that he is the raddest kid on the planet.))

And my first real shift at work!
((Here's to hoping there's all kinds of cute black guys at the mall.
...and that I don't fuck anything up at work haha.))

May. 2nd, 2011

Welcome to my life in Washington

((I'm a winner.))

Mar. 24th, 2011



I'm freakin' out like a kid on christmas... or maybe a crackhead.

.lkfh bdlfhlsjds/ldfjadkgdlkf

((Dear Fanipack. I wish you were here to go to this with me.))

Feb. 1st, 2011

 Get retard stoned and just TRY to tell me that "The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack" isn't the best show you've ever seen in your whole life.
 "Only a fool tests the depth of a river with both feet."
-West African proverb

((Welcome to my life.))